I’m in a long-term INFJ ENTP relationship. I have been with my ENTP husband for over 28 years. Yes, we’re in love. Yes, we have kids. And, we both work from home, so we’re around each other a LOT.
And, yes, we would both do it all over again.
The INFJ and ENTP relationship has two personality types who share intuition as their dominant cognitive function. Is this why we’re so compatible? In the MBTI Function Stack, we’re opposites in our secondary and tertiary functions, so is it the old adage that opposites attract?
The function stack is just to show what cognitive functions are most developed and used, and HOW we use them, internally or externally. Our most used and developed function is at the top, while our least used and most underdeveloped function is listed at the bottom. It is always the opposite of our dominant function.
|DOMINANT||(Ni) introverted intuition||(Ne) extroverted intuition|
|SECONDARY||(Fe) extroverted feeling||(Ti) introverted thinking|
|TERTIARY||(Ti) introverted thinking||(Fe) extroverted feeling|
|INFERIOR||(Se) extroverted sensing||(Si) introverted sensing|
It could also be that the ENTP, considered the most introverted of the extroverts, plays a role here. Of course, this is all theory and speculation, as no two personality types have necessarily ever been proven to be soulmates, or even true opposites, for that matter.
All I can do is share my many years of experience being in an INFJ ENTP relationship with you through a series of personal questions that both my husband and I have answered honestly, separate of each other.
I thought it would be more fun this way, so you could get a better idea of how we interact and react to each other, rather than focusing so much on the technicalities of our differing personality types, although there are some big personality “typing” clues throughout.
INFJ ENTP Relationship “Interview”
By the way, just so you know what we do from home. I am, obviously, a writer for this blog, but I also have a craft channel on Youtube that I create content for. My husband, on the other end of the spectrum, teaches people who are in debt how to get out of it through his CRN blog and Debtbytes Youtube channel.
What initially attracted you to your spouse?
Rachel: What initially attracted me to him was his goofy sense of humor and how he smiled with his eyes. And, everything seemed so easy for him. He was laid back and knew how to have a good time. I could see that he thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with others, and he was easy to be around and talk to.
The first time we really hung out, we spent the whole day and night together, doing nothing more than talking. We talked about our dreams, our past, what we wanted for the future, where we thought we might end up. Sad stories, happy stories. It was perfect. We truly connected.
After seeing each other a few times, he took me to his friend’s house where everyone was hanging out and I remember sitting on the couch next to him when he reached over and touched my knee. He looked into my eyes and said, “I really groove on you” No, it wasn’t the 70s, but it was romantic.
I mean, what girl can resist that? Not this one.
Michael: She so purdy.
I find my wife captivating. From the first night we met, until this very day, she has an aura, or something like it, that is warm, and inviting. It makes you feel like if you can get close enough, you can be and accomplish anything.
Her laugh is what some people find most memorable, but it is her smile that lights up the room.
Has being together changed you?
Rachel: Oh, yes. I’m definitely a better person with him. He helps me see things in a more objective way when I can’t separate myself from a situation or conflict, emotionally. The man rarely gets upset; things just roll off him. It’s a talent I don’t possess, but I’d like to think I’m working on it.
Michael easily lives in the moment, which is not something that comes naturally for me, so being with him reminds me to be in the moment more often, but I still love to plan. I like to know what to expect and be prepared for just about anything.
For example: I start packing 1-2 days before a trip and Michael packs like 15 minutes before we walk out the door. I don’t get it, and I will say he has definitely forgotten seriously basic items, like socks and underwear.
To his credit, his spontaneity also leads to things like dancing in the kitchen. 🙂
His confidence and perseverance are awe-inspiring. He has big dreams and doesn’t quit until he reaches them. I work more in “inspirational waves”, but seeing him work so hard, despite his challenges, has helped me move past some of my own.
I have felt misunderstood and undeserving of love for most of my life, so I am a bit needy, emotionally speaking. Michael is unendingly supportive and affectionate, making sure I always feel loved.
Michael: I suppose we all start out a bit like a caterpillar with potential.
The fact is, my life trajectory was not really on an arch at all until I met her. More like a flat line heart monitor with an eratic blip here or there.
As far as I am concerned, I got the better end of the life-changing bargain in this relationship. Being able to grow into something that has reached the capacity to spread its wings and take flight is directly attributable to the changes brought on by our relationship.
Is it a strain on your infj entp relationship for both of you to work from home?
Rachel: Not at all. He works upstairs and I work downstairs. We see each other for lunch, walks, and sometimes between calls, and we’ll randomly share frustrations or good news, depending on the day.
I’m honestly grateful that we both work from home. We run errands together. We go for walks together, when weather permits. We smile at each other as we pass in the hall.
You know, I’ve had other women respond in shock that we work from home together. They just “don’t know how I do it”, being around my husband all day long, day in and day out. I remember thinking how odd the sentiment was. I mean, if I didn’t like being around him, why did I marry him?
Michael: Not a bit.
We work on different things most of the time, and the things we do work on together she takes the lead on, and her perfectionism comes in real handy!
We are both able to support each others projects and schedules.
I opened an office in town once for a few years, so I do have something to compare it to. I would not choose to do that again.
You’re both creative. How does it serve you?
Rachel: I have a crafting business that revolves around instruction and fiber arts, and I think it’s a fun way to express myself in a more physical way.
I also write. I started writing when I was a teenager, which came at a time when I really needed it. It became a valuable tool for processing my emotions. I didn’t do much with my writing for several years, but came back to it later in life.
Michael: I am not as outwardly expressive with my creativity as Rachel. Not even close.
Other than managing to tease out a few notes of a tune dancing around in my head, I am most creative when identifying a need to fill, or a problem to solve.
The work I do with others is almost wholly focused on helping people navigate trouble spots in their lives. Much of that skill set has allowed me to intuit and understand how to be a better husband, father and friend.
What are your biggest pet peeves?
Rachel: This, daily –> I’m working and he’ll come around the corner with his strange need to fill the silence – singing, humming, or talking to the dog. We work on separate levels of the house because I, on the other hand, have an affinity for silence, and have a hard time focusing on anything without it.
He also likes to change plans on me at the last minute, like when we’re already in the car on the way to somewhere, so I’m always trying to get him to stick to the original plan. He honestly didn’t realize he did this until I pointed it out.
Michael interrupts me…a lot. This is a BIG pet peeve of mine because it takes a lot of energy and focus for me to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it. I’m not quick or very articulate. I think he’d burst at the seams if he didn’t interrupt me, though, but really, wait your turn, babe!
Michael: Perfectionist. Seriously. Wanting things to be a certain way is one thing, but obsess much?
Sometimes I think this perfectionism, like many of the ism’s, can steal joy. Not everything needs to be so serious!
Processing criticism when things are not as good as she would like them, and not doubling down on more perfection, is hard for Rachel.
Do you communicate well with each other?
Rachel: Yes and no. We can, literally, talk about anything and everything…for hours. I think this is where our similar intuition function comes into play. We love to discuss our dreams for the future together. He talks a lot, and I love listening to his big ideas.
When we argue, though, communication becomes tricky for both of us. What, and how, we communicate is very different under crazy amounts of stress.
Michael comes from a place of facts and “evidence” to support his case that is both unnerving and hard for me to understand. I come from a place of strong emotion that he finds difficult to process while I want to avoid the situation, at least temporarily. I become obsessed with my environment and may excessively clean, drive with the music turned up, or go for a walk to clear my mind.
Because of this, we’ve learned to walk away, calm down, take time to sort out our thoughts and feelings, process the feedback we’ve received from each other, and then start again. This seems to work much better for us, and fortunately, we rarely argue to a level that requires this action.
Michael: Very. There are moments though….
I am typically not someone who needs to feel his feelings. But there are these times where I get hopped up on something emotionally. If that happens, I am not great at working through it for a few minutes to a couple of hours.
I think we would have benefited more in the early part of our relationship by understanding the different ways we communicate well, and when either of us are feeling a little more challenged, when working through something.
We got there, but a cheat book or online forum with a bunch of shortcuts would have been great!
Do you argue about money?
Rachel: We used to, because I wanted financial security and, as I mentioned earlier, Michael likes to live in the moment, and that also applies to money.
He doesn’t think about the consequences of spending, because he doesn’t want to have to think about it. It took a few years for us to realize it’s better if I handled the more tedious, detailed things, like money.
I’ll let him do the taxes. 🙂
Michael: It’s true.
I will spend days on end working through complex financial situations for others, attend consumer economic forums, and have even gotten to participate in highly regarded consumer behavior labs related to how people think about money and choices.
Rachel is very much the squirrel working toward winter.
She has helped me understand and support that plan-ahead-critter, but I am still not out there gathering as full time as she is.
What’s your most romantic moment?
Rachel: My most romantic moment was the reading of our wedding vows. We wrote them ourselves and I kind of, surprisingly, loved sharing them openly in front of our friends and family.
We have romance all the time, though. Not as grand as a wedding, but everyday moments, like the way he looks at me with such love in his eyes on a Tuesday morning or how he’ll randomly tell me in the middle of a movie how much he loves me. Just last weekend, we drove to the coast and walked along the shore, hand-in-hand, reminiscing about our life together.
Intimately connecting, or feeling close to one another, is at the top of the romance list for me!
Michael: I cannot pick out just one. For me there are many!
Walking through the massive aquariums at the Atlantis Resort in the wee hours, with the place to ourselves, just talking for hours!
Two weeks ago when we were in the kitchen prepping dinner.
Most of the trip to Puerto Vallerta that she planned in secret for when I came home after months of being away, when I was a commercial fisherman.
The first time we held hands on a date.
Holding hands on our walk yesterday.
Why do you think your infj entp relationship has lasted so long?
Rachel: I’m not really sure, but I think it has something do with how we’ve always stuck together through all the shit life has thrown our way. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had so many years filled with great times, but that’s the easy part.
Sometimes you just need someone to hold you up when you can’t manage it on your own. I don’t know how we would’ve survived the fallout without one another.
Michael: The investment of time, commitment, purpose, shared dreams, goals, and looking forward to tomorrow.
Other than from a sense of nostalgia or reflection, I cannot remember ever thinking backwards about us, only on what can and will be. This is a long-timer attitude. When you look at it from that perspective, it’s more of a “duh” that our relationship has lasted, than a “how’d ya pull that off”.
ENTP and INFJ: The Same but Different
Through this glimpse into our INFJ ENTP relationship (marriage, in this case), you can see that we differ greatly in some areas, but connect in many other ways.
It just works.
I love how we both see the big picture, can bounce ideas off of each other, and that we have a strong tendency to think outside the box. This is likely our shared intuitive process at work, but I’m going to refer to it as chemistry.
We have a way of balancing each other out. Where I can get very emotional about certain things, Michael helps ground me. And, where he feels the need to “fix” what’s wrong when someone’s upset, I can help him understand that sometimes it’s best to just listen.
As an INFJ, I definitely find some of Michael’s qualities annoying (as he does some of my qualities), but those same qualities are also what attracted us to each other in the first place. Funny how life works, isn’t it?
Regardless of all of the personality differences and similarities, I’m over the moon we found each other, all those years ago, at a party I was never even supposed to be at. It was serendipitous, but in the most ungraceful way (I’ll tell you about it later).
Such is life.
Fun Fact: Neither one of us can make a decision to save our lives. We can’t decide on dinner, a plan, which car to buy, or where to move.
Are you an INFJ? What personality type did you connect with and how do you like it, so far? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments!